One Year

One year ago today, I posted the following status on Facebook:

"Either time travel never gets invented or what's happening now leads to some good things, and I'm not willing to believe that time travel never happens. #UCBuchanan"

The status, while somewhat lighthearted, was in response to what I worried would be the 2+ years of my PhD coming crashing down around me.  My QE, which was scheduled for 2 days later had just been canceled, because of a poor decision I'd made.  After what was arguably the worst 3 months of my life, followed by the worst week, March 12 last year was probably the worst day I've had.  I remember walking out of the office in shock, walking through the arboretum on campus, glad my sunglasses hid my tears.

At some point, I found myself on a bench thinking about what I was going to do.  Three days before, I'd had a conversation with my friend Sommer, where I was whining and wondering if I should just quit.  She was probably sick of me complaining to her, but her response was: 

"Zach. If you make that decision now, really decide that you are done, then that's it. You should talk to Kyle about getting a Master's. But the other option is at least to try as hard as you can to finish and get to your QE on Tuesday. I can almost promise that you will be more mad at past Zach if just give up now."

Sitting on that bench, thinking about that conversation, I decided I wanted to be optimistic, and I wanted to keep trying as hard as I could, and I posted that Facebook status.  Then I followed Sommer's other advice, went home, strung up my hammock and read a book for the first time in weeks.  The next day, I was back at it, trying to get to the point where I could pass my exam, which I eventually did, a couple months later.

It was still a hard few months.  I had to work to not be jealous as we celebrated the other 2 people in my group passing their exams on their first try.  I had to deal with my boss not being very happy that I hadn't finished mine when I should have.  I still had to go through about 15 iterations of revisions for the report that was required for my exam.  But I did pass, and I did it on the first try.  

My QE experience sucked.  Here are few things that happened in the 6 month stretch leading up to it. I'd experienced feelings of real anxiety for the first time. I'd woken up many times in the middle of the night, realizing that I'd been muttering chemistry explanations under my breath. I'd wake up tired regardless of how much I slept.  I'd put aside my hobbies, ignored my friendships, and had 2 potential relationships fall apart.

I'm extremely grateful to the people who supported me and put up with my crap during that time.  I learned a lot from my QE experience, both in terms of science, and about myself.  Here are some examples:

• It currently takes me about 200 hours to write a good paper.  So start writing early
• Decide what you want, and work hard to get it.
• Having good friends can make a huge impact on your mental health
• I learned what coherence is (I've since mostly forgotten...)
• Making time for hobbies has a huge impact on my mental health
• Getting enough sleep has a huge impact on my mental health
• I'm an optimist

So here's the moral of my post.  I still think time travel can be a thing.  While I came away with some scars, good things have come from that terrible experience for me.  I'm stronger, more grown up, and a better scientist.  I feel a little less like an impostor.  And I think more good things are coming.